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DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP
A Troutnut1 repost Date Unknwon
I heard when I gave in to my addiction again. The selfish addiction I could not afford that took much needed money away from me and my family. That kept me in debt. That destroyed my health. That caused my family to suffer. Even my pets. That diminished my work and career and made my co-workers resent me. That made me stink. That caused me to lose my teeth. I did all that and more and my friends said...
“But don’t beat yourself up!”
We can never know which sickarette contains that fatal heart attack. Or which pack contains the stroke that would cripple or kill us. Mrs. Troutnut had open heart surgery this year and we got to go to cardiac rehab and stroke support groups. It was pretty eye opening. Mrs. Troutnut’s problem was genetic and not related to diet or lifestyle. But the first thing every expert asked her was about how much she smoked. They probably told each other:
“Don’t beat yourself up!”
Or maybe it’s cancer. I got colon cancer from smoking and had to have major surgery to remove part of my colon. My surgery required 8 days in the hospital with no food or drink. Not even an ice chip. I lost my dear AA sponsor to lung cancer. We smoked together after every AA meeting for many years. And many, many of my Quitnet friends were lost in horrible ways. Believe me, if you hang on in the Q very long you will watch many Q friends die. My meeting friends said:
“Don’t beat yourself up!”
Or COPD. I lost my grandfather and dad to COPD. It was horrible to watch. I got a moderate case of COPD myself. The x-rays showed “hyper-expansion” of my alveoli. It put me in the hospital twice where I was shot full of steroids and given breathing treatments with albuterol. I had to carry an emergency inhaler. I nearly died. It stole my mobility, my skiing, and my fishing. I pledged that day never to smoke again. I think I lasted three weeks that time. With a lot of rehab and time I have been lucky and gotten much of my lung capacity back. But I will never be the same, as if I had never smoked or quit earlier. But I told myself:
“Don’t beat yourself up!”
But now I wonder, through all of this, and over three decades of continuing this nonsense:
WHY didn’t I beat myself up?
Your friend in Montana Troutnut1-dennis